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Dr. Thadeus Durr Derpenstien
Click 'er in the ticker, blow 'm in the dome.
Derp Eye.png

I see you...

  • Gunslinger Saint


  • Tech, Guns, and Large Swords

Weapon of Choice

  • Low Orbit Ion Cannon Pointer (Polaris)
  • Doctor
  • Small Arms Enthusiast
  • Large Arms Enthusiast
  • Interdimensional Wizard
  • Muffin Enthusiast
  • Schizophrenia

Equipment-Divine Avenger icon.png Equipment-Gran Faust icon.png Equipment-Argent Peacemaker icon.png Equipment-Sentenza icon.png

  • Techno-Freak

Equipment-Warmaster Rocket Hammer icon.png Equipment-Voltedge icon.png Equipment-Polaris icon.png Equipment-Voltaic Tempest icon.png

  • Vanaderp

Equipment-Divine Avenger icon.png Equipment-Argent Peacemaker icon.png Equipment-Blitz Needle icon.png Equipment-Polaris icon.png

  • Knights of Equestria
Favourite Ponies
  1. Derpy Hooves (waifu)
  2. Twilight Sparkle
  3. Everypony else
  • Undead
  • Constructs
  • Slimes
  • Gremlins


Medical license? I need one of those?

No, I'm not happy to see you... Yes, that is a sword in my pants. Don't ask.

Just because I don't prefer the direct approach doesn't mean I won't take this sword and ram it through your sternum.

Dr. Thadeus Durr Derpenstien, Ph. D. STORY TIME GO. You do things like that with a lot of free time on your hands.

"Gelatin Research"


Knights of Equestria

As one of the very many bronies in Spiral Knights, I'm part of the Knights of Equestria, the first of many brony guilds on Spiral Knights. All of them are avid pony fans. Some of them more then others (like me). Look them up if you're interested, everything you need to know is on the wiki page. No guarantee you'll get in immediately though: We are relatively selective of our recruits.

Traveler's Log

The Gloaming Wildwoods

"It hasn't even been ten minutes since I've entered this strange forest, and already the sun is gone. It wasn't long after noon that I first descended in the elevator to this odd place. I could clearly see it on my way down... But now..." *howls heard in the background* "There it is again! Since I came here, all I've heard is that haunting howl, and that shadowy beast I keep catching glimpses of must be it's source... The dreaded Snarbolax; a dangerous beast. It's the reason I'm here in the first place. At least Alpha Squad made it through okay to my knowledge, but..." *growling and barking in background* "More of these annoying Wolvers..." *squelching sound, quickly followed by yelps* "This thicket is filled with these creatures... Full of them! Every time I turn around-" *growls, followed by scuffle in background, sound of recorder hitting ground* "GAAAHH! Little-! *yelp, followed by squelching and crunching noise* *heavy panting* "Well..." *sounds of patting on armour* "At least they're only thick headed metaphorically speaking... But they make such a mess..." *howls heard again* "In any case, that creature has been more up close and personal with me the farther down this forest I trek... A confrontation is coming, I can FEEL it..."

Royal Jelly Palace

"My studies in the Jelly kind have brought me to this rather... Odd place. A castle of sorts, run down and broken, it's swarming with the gelatinous breeds. This trek will no doubt aid in my research... But that is not the only reason I came. More recon teams have gone missing, and much larger ones then in the case of that brutish Snarbolax... A rather odd creature... Steeling itself in darkness to defend itself, only an extremely loud sound managed to break it from it's trance..." *squishing noises heard, followed by more violent squishing noises* "Uck... All over my suit... I just had it cleaned... In any case, I came prepared this time. Not as much as I would have hoped... The supernatural defence these bones give me doesn't help too much when slimes are trying to IMPALE me... But, they've grown on me... Not literally; metaphorically. In any case, I was able to take on the Snarbolax alone only because of my knowledge of the bell... I was surprised I was able to do it alone, seeing how hard a time Alpha Squad had... Perhaps they somehow broke through it's shadowy hide in some other fashion? It would probably be more strenuous and unneeded, but there must be- *more violent squishing sounds* I seem to be losing myself in my thoughts again. Just like last time... But here, I must take better precautions. Twenty knights in total have gone missing down here, never to return, so I requested the aid of three other knights. They all radiate strength, just having them nearby fills me with ease..." *explosion heard in background, followed by a loud woop* "Though they aren't all as... 'Refined' as I am. I think 'overkill' is the correct term. Though... I can only imagine what form of Jelly could be responsible for all this... That mentality may be just what we need. Apparently royalty is present in the Jelly species, I can only wonder how such a specimen came into being. Nevertheless, I have been assured that we are drawing near to our destination. I only hope we are up to the task of facing whatever it is that lurks inside this castle... Or, rather, slinks... Slurps? How do you describe a Jelly's movement? No matter... I'm positive we'll pull through... I have heard good things about these three... *another explosion, followed by some cursing* Then again..."

Ironclaw Munitions Factory

"This place stirs up a hurricane of emotions in me. I'm terrified at what awaits me further down... The dreaded Roarmulus Twins. From what information we have, they're behemoth sized turrets, possibly capable of destroying all of Haven... Both larger then that Royal Jelly I had dealt with a few days back... It was odd. A multitude of Jellies, both miniature and regular sized, had sprung from it whenever it swung around. Healing itself with its own minions... It was a good thing we brought special equipment... Hindering its minions and preventing its healing was the only way of taking it down... Easily, anyway. And the rage that put it in! Swishing around the room in a fitful flurry of spins and body slams... It can only pale in comparison to these monolithic machines. The latest squad had to evacuate before sustaining more injuries... Two enormous turrets with phasonic shielding, a seemingly endless supply of ballistics, bullets, and lasers, against four ill-equipped knights has never added up in my books... In fact, when I added it up, they SHOULD have never been heard from again... That fact that two survived is amazing! But... The loss of the other two is one we must mourn... But fighting these things is going to be difficult... That, and all of these machines are bent on the destruction of anything not of Gremlin origin as well. The sheer number of explosives we've had to set off to get through is bone chilling. Who knows how much more they have stored elsewhere... Probably enough to level Haven twelve times over! Past that 'lovely' hypothesis, I am also at ease, strangely, and ecstatic. The constant hum and clanks of gears and switches makes me feel like I'm in my old mechanic lab again, and the wealth of knowledge that can be obtained from all this technology is making this near suicidal trip worthwhile... Though coming unprepared was a major blunder for me, and my friend. He says doesn't have the energy to move on, and I only have enough for myself. I have no way of knowing how the fight with these twin turrets will turn out... The amount of time and resources the Gremlins have put into them must have been monumental... Even just ONE monumental turret against one ill-equipped knight has never added up to me before... Despite my being ill prepared, my companion said that I should be fine, should I continue. I'm glad he has faith in my abilities... This coming from one so... Well equipped is rather invigorating. I hope this will be enough... I had thought about turning back, but I can't, not now. The gremlins might solidify their defences, then we would have no chance in returning here without MORE well equipped soldiers... Which we seem to be low on recently. I'm sure my research and knowledge of constructs will aid me in this pursuit... I only hope I can continue it. The laser grid humming ominously in front of this elevator is obviously here for a reason. I'm almost there..."

Fire Storm Citadel

"I never should have come here, but part of me wanted to come. My non-medical studies have always dealt with three things: The gelatinous breeds of Jelly, the mechanics of Constructs, and the supernatural forces in the Undead. I'm here for the latter... Though I don't think I'll have much research time as I thought, if any at all. The entire place is scorching; the ground, the walls, even the monsters themselves are lit with flames. And they all seem to be working against us... Traps are everywhere; step on a switch, and in a matter of seconds you're surrounded by flaming skeletons, or giant Trojans are swinging their blades in your direction, in an effort to turn you into another smouldering smear on the floor... I had this happen about three times now... If I was alone... *clears throat* I truly see now why these warriors dress the way they do... This heat is intense, and the Undead pack quite a supernatural punch, as it were... Luckily for me, my armour has decent defence against these flaming foes, but it's not as good as the pieces the others have... I'm geared more for damage then defence though anyway. However, these gun-slinger garments, though adept in defence against the shadowy forces, lacks protection from these blasted flames; I had to put all my resources into this holy blade to even stand a chance against these monsters, which left me no energy to craft better guns... All I have for ranged weapons is this memento from a dear friend of mine. It HAS helped me greatly to survive this wretched place. Despite all this, my companions tell me that I'm in good hands. I still feel as if I'm a burden on these knights, though... They have much greater knowledge of this place then I do, and I'm not doing much to help the situation, other than dropping a few reanimated skeletal remains here and there... I plan to change that soon. I'm only missing certain key materials for my gear, and once I'm done that, I'm sure I could traverse this place myself! Not that I would want to... I like solitude, but not when it's in a smouldering pit surrounded by smouldering skeletons swinging their smouldering claws at me. In any case, with experience comes knowledge, and these knights say they have been down here plenty of times. I believe them... I'm sure the undead never truly stay... Well... "Dead". The phantoms in the graveyards prove this to an extent... I've come to the conclusion their intangible forms make it easier to "reconstruct" themselves... On a less research inspired note, I've read into a small bit of lore for this region... Almire. All I've read was about the fall of Almire... I guess it's hefty military just wasn't enough... Lord Vanaduke; he used to be the ruler of this kingdom... If it can so be called. All around, the land burns with a malevolent flame. All of it's buildings are destroyed, decimated by a horrific force. It could have been a decent place some time ago... But that time is obviously past. Perhaps this is where Alpha Squad met their last breaths... Perhaps those last skeletons we crushed were them... And perhaps I'm being to much of a downer on this situation. I'm sure they got through this, since three Azure Guardians and one inexperienced soldier can get this far... Though we've been having a bit of trouble here and there, thankfully not because of my actions... Most of the time anyway. With knowledge comes experience, and these knights now this place like the back of their hands. If I hadn't listen to them, I'd probably be under the rubble of a rampaging wheel, along with the other unfortunate souls forgotten in this forsaken place... How did this place become this way exactly? I should read up more on the history of this area when I return to the surface... That is, IF I return..."

Operation: Crimson Hammer

"Since joining the rest of these brave knights in the lofty heights of the Vanguards, my missions have been perilous. Nothing I couldn't handle alone, or with some well appreciated assistance, but dangerous nonetheless. Felling the fearsome Snarbolax, crushing the crazy Jelly King, deconstructing the dreaded Roarmulus Twins, and putting the cursed Vanaduke to his final rest; all of these feats are dangerous in there own regard. However, this new mission I have received straight from Lieutenant Feron regarding the Crimson Order's Warmaster Seerus... Dangerous is an understatement. The sheer volume of Gremlins and explosives I have had to cut a swath through has put my strengths to the test. It was wise to have the aid of others along, though the traps and constant explosions have really taken it's toll. There is no turning back however. Warmaster Seerus's Grand Arsenal must be destroyed. The weapons he has developed, being developed, and planned to developed must be removed from this world. His paranoia, as Vise warned me of, has caused many innocent Gremlins much pain and suffering as well, and it can go on no longer either. Unfortunately, Lieutenant Feron has taken a grievous wound from a surprise attack and can no longer continue. Therefore, it is up to me and these other brave knights to put an end to the Warmaster's engines of war, and deal a devastating blow to the Crimson Order's weapons projects. All that's left is to deal with Seerus himself..."




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